Humor

What? Why? I’m so confused

A goose’s white butt sticking out of water.
A goose’s white butt sticking out of water.
Photo by Harry Grout on Unsplash

I don’t care if my butthole color offends anyone. You read that correctly. Bleaching one’s butthole, aka spinchter, is now a thing.

Now, not only do we have to groom ourselves meticulously in our nether regions but we also are being pressured to bleach our anuses. Well, I guess we don’t have to. Because I’m not going to. There is no beauty standard or ideal worth much pain or effort for me at this point in my life. Much less a sudden standard about my butthole color.

I am so glad you asked. Butthole bleaching is the process of dying your asshole so it is lighter than the color you were born with. …


Satire

Incite desire when who you are as a person isn’t good enough

An awkward looking girl standing in front of a teal door with a teal towel wrapped around her nude body.
An awkward looking girl standing in front of a teal door with a teal towel wrapped around her nude body.
Photo by Sebastian Staines on Unsplash

I was at dinner with a group of friends recently, and I listened enviously to my newly divorced friend ramble on about her new lust-filled lover. I stifled my jealousy at the attention, the desire, and hot sex that she was describing. I washed back another corndog with a chilled white wine.

She had always been exotic looking and gorgeous and never had been one to have to try and work to get attention.

Act like you need him to accomplish anything. From opening the box of toothpaste to picking out your clothes, you need to make sure you are a complete and utter failure without him around. Men need to feel as if humanity would be doomed without them. …


Not all scars are visible, not all abuse is obvious

A black and white image of a woman with Love Shouldn’t Hurt written in black paint on her bare naked back.
A black and white image of a woman with Love Shouldn’t Hurt written in black paint on her bare naked back.
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can sometimes hurt the deepest. Abuse is not always physical. Sometimes the emotional damage inflicted upon someone can take years of therapy and healing to undo.

I have always considered myself to be a strong, independent, and educated woman. So, no one was more shocked than I was when I became a victim of emotional and physical abuse. Abuse that was handed out so frequently, yet so slowly, that I morphed into a completely different person, little by little, without noticing.

It happened so extremely slowly. I was so blind to it that I actually didn’t notice for a year or two that it was even happening at all. It happened so sneakily and with stealth. It’s actually terrifying to me now how quickly he was able to change who I was as a person. …


HUMOR

Should it be common sense or should we spell it out for the underbelly of society?

Man reading a burning newspaper.
Man reading a burning newspaper.
Photo by Elijah O'Donnell on Unsplash

Articles are meant to share information, tips, and opinions. This one is important to my heart. It is a list of the items I think should be made to be common sense knowledge at a minimum.

Teach it in school, teach it at home, blare it from loudspeakers in North Korea, and replace all media ads with it. I don’t anyone to be able to claim ignorance anymore. We are all put on this Earth for a reason and I know what mine is.

Best case scenario, this would become criminal activity. I have about 18 laws I will recommend we take off the books if we can have these in their stead. …


Satire

Not the normal stress relief, but effective AF

A lady in a field of flowers acting weird.
A lady in a field of flowers acting weird.
Photo by Erriko Boccia on Unsplash

Stress is the biggest serial killer this world has ever seen. Or at least since that fat serial killer clown died.

Stress is the underlying cause of many diseases, conditions and violent acts. In my opinion, we need to start putting more emphasis on controlling stress and less on cleaning up stress’ aftermath. With that revolutionary approach in mind, I made a list of the things that help me deal with my extreme stress level. I have six kids in addition to my full-time job so I am the human version of stress. …


Signs of comfort from the afterlife during times of hardship.

A beautiful image of a path leading to a heavenly destination.
A beautiful image of a path leading to a heavenly destination.
Photo by Kenrick Mills on Unsplash

My first communication from a departed loved one came to me when I was just seven years old. At the time, I didn’t understand it and I chalked it up to being a nightmare.

I was just seven years old when I experienced the death of my beloved Grandmother. She was my father’s mother, my only local grandparent, and she adored me because I was the baby of the family. And, even then, I obviously had the best personality of the whole bunch to boot.

My grandmother’s funeral was not only my first funeral, but also my first experience with death. All in one fell swoop. It was also my first time seeing a cadaver. I call it that, because now I know that the body is only a shell once a soul leaves it. …


Humor/Hard Truth

Who is to say what should be obvious and to whom?

A girl with terrible hair and makeup trying to look sexy, much like a real estate picture
A girl with terrible hair and makeup trying to look sexy, much like a real estate picture
Photo by Isi Parente on Unsplash

Tiddly bits are not to be used in lieu of brainpower. If you aren’t sure what a tiddly bit is, don’t panic because you are not alone. I coined that phrase many years ago because I didn’t want to explain private parts by their medical names nor their street names. I needed to create my own verbiage. So with that being said, a tiddly bit is a universal term for any of the body parts considered to be gender insinuating. Formerly known as proof of gender or sex on the birth certificate. More commonly known as t**s, a**, d**k, etc.

I know it is considered the norm by today’s standards in the Real Estate Agent profession, but I don’t have to use my sexuality to be successful in real estate. …


Written for the confused man, by the woman that is confused about how it isn’t obvious, that we shall call the Expert from here on out.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash

I have mixed emotions about this, much like most things I think about. On one hand, I think we are only as old as we feel and should act however we want to. On the other hand, I want to do what I want to, but I want a few men, aka the ones I will be referencing, to not be weird and creepy so a few of my quality girls can find the one that seems intent on locating. What can I say? I’m a woman and an enigma. I never had said and never will say that women are not complicated. Most extremely advanced, complex items are. Note: I did not say enema.


POEM/EMOTIONAL OUTBURST

A poem about my conversations with my deceased sister during the hard times

A moving image of a woman’s silhouette in front of a sunset. She is reaching for the sky towards heaven.
A moving image of a woman’s silhouette in front of a sunset. She is reaching for the sky towards heaven.
Photo by William Farlow on Unsplash

I don’t pray

But I know you hear my voice

When I call for you in the direction of the heavens

I don’t pray

But I plead for you to hear my call

And light the way for me

During my times of darkness

I don’t pray

But I can feel you

Alive still in the recesses of my heart

Oh I won’t pray

I keep going

I raise my sight to the sky

I don’t pray

I look for you

As a face in the cloud

As a whisper in my ear

Your imprint fades

Though transcending, your memory lives…


Dogs

I am right and if you don’t agree with me, you are wrong

An angelic dog sitting in a sweater against a blue backdrop
An angelic dog sitting in a sweater against a blue backdrop
Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash

My dog broke my couch and then took a nap immediately. I could’ve gotten mad, but I didn’t. My animals, all of them, can get away with anything in my eyes. My husband doesn’t agree with me on this. I spoil the animals and he spoils the children. My animals are already going to live with me the rest of my life. So will my kids if he doesn’t stop spoiling them and I’m just not prepared for that in my golden years. They have put me through too much already.

As far as my pets go, I have two amazing dogs that I adore immensely. Both are mutts and rescue dogs. But in reality, I’m the one who got saved. …

About

Kylie Craft

Property Manager, Credit Specialist and Writer in addition to being a mother of four kids, two dogs, two birds and a turtle. Loves sarcasm, wine, and humor.

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