If I Ran The Pound

This is Part Two of one million articles on how I would manage sh$t better in my world than it’s currently being run. In the last article (which was also the first article of this hard hitting series), I told you all about how I would change Buzzfeed for the better with my extremely accurate quizzes. You can read that here.

Now, it’s the pound’s turn to feel the heat of my southern indignation.

If I was in charge of the pound, my assistant to the regional manager would be a black Labrador named Chuck. Your right hand man is your biggest strength when you’re super important. and don’t. have to come in everyday. (You are only ever as good as your weakest link). And even though he hated cats he wouldn’t put them to “sleep”. He would just chase them up trees. He would get paid over $15 per hour so he’d get enough money to take his job seriously.

There would be no cells or cages. Just regular rooms with trash cans, toilet bowls, couches, chairs and tables to lay on. A pleasant, wide-lapped animal lover would come in 49 times a day to hand out treats, I mean snacks, and at the end of the day all of the animals would be chased frantically before getting their fluffy tummies rubbed to sleep.

Morning would commence with a heart racing amount of the zoomies. All animals need excercise, criminals or not. I would send repeat pound offenders to a rehabilitation program instead of just “putting them to sleep.” I would focus on a huge community outreach program so fellow animal lovers could help my team and I end the senseless killings.

I would also implement many immediate changes to cut costs so we could afford to keep our furry inmates alive longer.

By now you’re probably wondering what kind of Idiocracy you’re reading. I know this is ALL easier said than done. The point is , the pound is not being managed in a good or effective way right now.

I realize that there is an abundance of unloved, unwanted animals on this planet but I also realize there’s an abundance of useless, horrible people. We shouldn’t kill either species due to this fact. We need to focus more on education and spaying and neutering. We need to teach people how to be responsible pet owners. Actually, we need to teach people how to be responsible humans. Killing an extreme amount of animals is not the answer. I’m not saying I have the answer but I know that is not it. We all have the right to live, even animals.

I’m not saying I would be the best pound leader this country has ever seen (ever) but I’m not saying I’m not either. The best.